Originally published in Fatherly
Discovering you’re going to be a dad is life-altering.
But you don’t fully appreciate your newly anointed status as a father-to-be until your partner announces the next step:
“Honey, let’s go look at baby stuff.”
There are countless shopping options.
“Let’s go to Target. We also need wine.”
During the drive, you debate the first purchase.
Stroller?
Crib?
Car seat?
“Let’s start with cribs and see if they have an Amish, 19th-century oak one.”
They won’t. But you’re in this together.
You walk into Target holding hands. It feels like your first date—except you know for sure there will be no sex.
As you approach the infant department, you feel a bit anxious. The area is massive. Entire sections are devoted to cribs, car seats, and a dizzying collection of baby gear you never knew existed.
You assumed, incorrectly, that a newborn just needed a flat place to sleep.
Instead, you find a bewildering range of options:
Standard crib.
Convertible crib.
Crib with changer.
Four-in-one convertible crib.
Pine. Oak. Walnut. Bamboo. Composite.
White. Pearl white. Rustic white. Grey. Espresso. More whites.
And the product names are wonderfully soothing: Dream On Me, Sleepi, Dreams.
“This is so exciting!” your partner says.
It isn’t. But you play along.
While she’s photographing cribs for Instagram, you peek at a price tag.
“OMG, this crib is $799.”
Reality is a bitch.
That realization triggers a rapid series of price checks across the baby department.
Stroller: $200–$500
Really cool stroller: $1,000
Car seat: $100–$500
Changing table: $100–$300
Baby swing: $75
Glider chair: $150 and up
As a newly informed father-to-be, you decide your role is to bring financial sanity to the process.
You steer your partner toward a more “reasonable” $299 crib.
You begin celebrating your achievement as Salesperson of the Year.
That celebration lasts about 10 seconds.
“Honey… you do realize the $299 crib doesn’t include the mattress.”
You brace for the next reality slap.
Because buying baby gear is exactly like buying a car.
Accessories are not included.
A properly outfitted crib also requires:
Crib mattress
Crib sheet
Crib liner
Crib skirt
Bumper set
Rail covers
Mobile
Sound machine
Decorations
Endless decorations.
After an hour of crib shopping, you understand why one popular brand is called Million Dollar Baby.
Eventually, you leave Target empty-handed.
But wiser.
Much wiser.
Because you’ve learned the most important precept of fatherhood:
Parenting is a negative cash flow of epic proportions.
“Honey… we forgot the wine.”
Reality is a bitch.
